After marrying, my husband and I had our first beautiful baby girl. My husband had a job offer in Salt Lake City, Utah and we moved out West to get a fresh start. We loaded our furniture, all our belongings, and the baby blue Firebird in a U Haul truck. Using the map Rom gave me when I graduated, we started our long journey. We stopped to rest at night. Our route took us to the beautiful mountains of Wyoming. The scenery was breath taking. As we left Wyoming to drive to Utah, I remember the runaway truck lanes. I felt like a runaway truck. The long drive was the perfect time to think. Racial progress had been made across the United States. We didn’t need a green book to look for safe places to stop. Traveling long distance was not easy with a baby, but we made it. Since I was a nurse, I didn’t worry about finding employment. After getting settled, my job search started. I was offered a position at the Veteran’s Administration Hospital (VA), nestled in the beautiful foothills of Salt Lake City. We could look out the windows of our apartment and see the snow- capped mountains. I never tired of seeing God’s beauty.
I didn’t see any evidence of poverty or racism in this beautiful state. All my life, I was surrounded by both, and living here was a welcome change. I met some people who had never seen black people growing up. I experienced curiosity instead of racism. We had honest conversations about race and culture. One of my co-workers grew up in Idaho and had never seen a black person until he was twenty one years old. While living in Utah, I became pregnant with our second daughter. After delivery, our race was listed as Samoan on her birth certificate. It never dawned on me that we were living in a predominately white state with people who had never lived around black people. Some people didn’t know that black people were of various skin tones and various hair textures because of racial mixing throughout the years. Needless to say, I had to get the birth certificate changed.
My marriage was falling apart, and I was exhausted. I was working full time and had two babies. I befriended a wonderful woman who lived in our apartment complex. She and her husband were the parents of a toddler. She was a stay at home mom and agreed to be my babysitter. She provided a much needed service, but I was also mentally exhausted. I had no one to talk with. I couldn’t bother MaDear and Dad with my problems. My beloved sister Vie had passed away, and BB lived too far away. At work, I remember standing in the nurses station and looking at the chaplain when he came to the floor to see the terminally ill patients who were dying. I felt like I was dying while living. I was tempted to talk with him, but for some reason, I didn’t even want the chaplain to know what I was going through. In my exhausted state, I heard the voice of MaDear saying, “Francie Mae, get on the main line and tell Him what you want.” When I got home, I fell to my knees and prayed to God. I told Him what I wanted and asked for forgiveness. I was enjoying the good life, had a good job, and accumulating things. I was living a high consumption lifestyle and neglecting Him. Not long after my fervent prayer, I received a letter in the mail from a cousin in Memphis. He wrote that a cousin, whom I never knew existed, and her husband was living in Salt Lake City. I couldn’t believe what I was reading! They were an older couple with grown children. I was almost two thousand miles from home and God placed a cousin in the same city. I called her immediately, put my two babies in the Firebird, and drove through the snow covered icy streets to the welcoming arms of my cousin! She and her husband provided the emotional support that I needed to get my head together.
The fresh start didn’t last. We needed much more than that to survive our marriage. We had our second beautiful baby girl and a broken marriage. I was ashamed that my marriage didn’t survive and didn’t know how to tell MaDear and Dad. What would my friends and co-workers think? I grew up in church yet my marriage didn’t survive. We live in a judgmental world. I let guilt and shame live rent free in my mind. The truth is, I took a shortcut. I went down the hidden road and strayed from the long narrow road. I married a man who was a smart young businessman, but we were unequally yoked. We grew up in households with different values. Even though I received a spiritual spanking, I was blessed to have two beautiful baby girls. I had to let go off the shame and guilt to move forward. We all have challenges in the journey of life. I had to be strong and level headed like MaDear and Dad raised me. My blessings from God depended upon it. I understood the gift of motherhood and loved my beautiful babies more than life itself. I had to leave my marriage for them. I understood why MaDear did without so we could have.
I met with the director of nursing to arrange a transfer to the VA in Memphis. I was a soon to be divorced mother with two babies under the age of three. I had stepped into the unknown, and now it was time to get back on the long road. I left a house full of furniture, sold my beloved baby blue Firebird, and my babies and I boarded a plane to Memphis. I couldn’t raise my babies in a risky home environment. This was a personal battle my husband had to go through. He was a good man who stepped into the unknown. He seemed to forget about God, but God didn’t forget about him. Years later, he got back on the long road and became the man God meant him to be.
After moving back to Memphis, I worked in the neuro-psych unit of the VA Hospital for several years. These veterans were living with a variety of mental health disorders. Many of these brave servicemen and women served in the Vietnam and Korean War. Their eyes had seen horrific tragedies of war, and they had survived unspeakable horrors. Many suffered from Post -Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The nightmares were real and wouldn’t go away! Many used alcohol and illicit drugs in an effort to escape. When the Vietnam War veterans returned home after fighting for our freedom, they faced scorn and trauma in their own homeland. They were called deplorable names and spat upon by the very people who they fought for. They left their families, faced death and catastrophic injuries, and gave up their own dreams to fight for our freedom. Some of their marriages fell apart. They returned home to a country that traumatized them again. Their depression and anger was understandable, yet they worked hard to overcome these emotions and quietly live their new normal lives.
I met many friends while working at the VA. Some of them had served in the military and were now serving their fellow veterans. We had a common purpose. My friend Kathy and I decided we wanted to become certified psychiatric nurses. We discussed our interest with another friend, and she was also interested. At that time, the certification examination was given in New Orleans. We were all mothers with young children, so we debated if we needed to spend money to test for the examination. After arranging childcare, the three of us drove to New Orleans to take the exam, and then have some fun. We all passed and received a higher income because we were certified.
Many of the nurses at the VA were also serving in the Army Reserve. Once a month, these weekend warriors came to the hospital for clinical training. I was impressed with their dedication and skill level. Kathy decided to join the Reserve and convinced me to join about two years later. My purpose in joining was to earn extra money. The nurse recruiter came to my home and impressed me with the opportunities the military had to offer. My girls were young, and I intended to enroll them in private school through their formative years. After discussing my plan with my family, and receiving their support, I joined the Reserve. I completed a family care plan to ensure my girls were taken care of when I was absent for military training. I joined the Army Reserve for one purpose but ended up serving until I retired, over twenty years later. I was proud to wear the uniform like my Dad and three brothers before me.
Many reserve soldiers are members of the working poor. Some veterans are in the same category. They earn too much for Safety Net programs but not enough to support their families. Many soldiers volunteer to serve in combat zones to earn hazardous duty pay. When Lil Bro was in the Army, he volunteered to be a paratrooper to earn jump pay. Single people may marry to earn extra income. Because of military demands and other reasons, some marriages fall apart. The draft ended in 1973; however, a new volunteer effort called the poverty draft took its place. Not everyone volunteer for military service for the same reason. Some choose to go active duty for better opportunities and some for patriotic reasons. It’s very expensive to be poor! Some recruits were already poor and in debt. This was their way out! The poverty draft was a purposeful recruiting effort to gain recruits from the poor inner cities and rural areas. The people in low income communities had inconsistent access to job opportunities and higher education. Access to these opportunities encouraged many young people to join the military.
In the Army Reserve, I was the officer in charge of the Neuro-Psych unit. We had a team of psychiatrists, social workers, nurses, and medics. We had to complete required training programs and continue to gain clinical experience. During active duty training, we worked in military hospitals and military field hospitals across the United States. Psychological trauma affects all people. I used the skills I learned on my civilian job, in my personal life, and in the military. It’s important to help empower people to manage distress through effective coping skills, learn to build resilience, offer resources, and referrals to professional mental health therapists and doctors. It’s important to take care of our physical and mental health.
There are so many people who are not able to effectively deal with life. Change requires courage because it is a step in the unknown. There are a lot of unknowns in life. Most people believe in a higher power. I learned while training that the Serenity Prayer is based on this belief. I always wanted to know the secret behind that powerful prayer. There are some things people can’t change and many more things people can. According to the Serenity Prayer the reason many people settle for suffering is fear. The Serenity Prayer encourages positive thinking. Sometimes it is difficult to find this power. This is necessary if we want to succeed in life. Our habits are our own worst enemies. As we journey to peace, we endure many hardships. We must change the way we view them and accept help if needed.
I kept an affirmation in my day planner. Every day, I reviewed this affirmation. Finally, it got so old and worn that I had to discard it. I think the author was anonymous; therefore, I can’t give proper credit. During my journey, I relied upon prayer, reading the daily word, and many affirmations to get me through difficult times. Like many other people, my husband and I both stepped into the unknown, but we were not unknown to God.
Many doors close and window’s open. We spend so much time staring at the closed door that we don’t see the open window. –Anonymous.
I encountered so many closed doors in life. I had to learn to see the open window. I learned to not to spend a lot of time on things I couldn’t change. I remember my pastor preached a sermon on not letting negative thoughts and emotions live rent free in your mind. I couldn’t allow this to happen. I can change my behavior and mindset. My journey to absolute joy depended upon it! We may step into the unknown but nothing is unknown to God!
Some Resources
Some of the most well-known alcohol helplines in the nation are: SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP; National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACOA): 1-800 358 3456; National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc. (NCADD): 1 (800) NCA-CALL (622-2255).
HOTLINE: You can reach the Narcotics Anonymous, World Service Line at (818) 773-9999. This self-help fellowship of men and women offers support for those who struggle with drug use and wish to quit.
Veterans Crisis Line- 1-800-273-8255 and press (1). Support for deaf or hard of hearing- 1-800-799-4889.